The above video is the recommended method of consumption for the following text. For those with no speakers, or eardrums, or patience, a transcript has been provided below.
Bitcoiner. Bitcoiner. The word means different things to different people. Unfortunately, to most of my friends, it kind of means something like “nerdy loser.” And by most of my friends, I guess I should say both of my friends. Bitcoin has a wonderful way of trimming down those inconvenient friendships. But, like it or not, I’m a bitcoiner.
It all started when the price was much lower, and the world was much simpler, and I was much stupider. I first found out about bitcoin when the price was only $10. Dirt cheap. So what did I do? Nothing! Of course I did nothing. It was the only stupid thing to do. Thanks to not buying any bitcoin when it was cheap, I have found a great new way to get rich. It’s called work.
But once you find out about bitcoin, there’s no going back. Of course, you can still go sideways. Or down, kind of like the price of bitcoin. But you can’t go back. You will gradually grow to become either a bitcoiner, or a buttcoiner, which is what we lovingly call our passionate detractors. There’s a key difference between those two options: a typical bitcoiner believes that, someday, the price of bitcoin will eventually reach the moon, making him fabulously wealthy. The other prefers to use two rare skills found in only a few humans: Logic and Reason.
You might have noticed that I used the word “him” to describe the typical bitcoiner. This is not by accident. Over time, I have come to realize that the bitcoin community is predominantly male. I’m guessing this is because women have better things to do with their time. When I say it’s “mostly” male, it’s rather difficult to overstate this. Here are some hard numbers from a recent poll:
- 97% Male
- 3% Lying Male
This makes it difficult for bitcoiners to procreate, which is a good thing for everyone.
Still, bitcoin has opened up a lot of opportunities in my life. For example, the opportunity to check the price of bitcoin every day. Well, maybe a couple times per day. OK, OK, to be precise, more like every couple minutes. I thought that getting a smartwatch would make my life better, because I could check the price more often. Well, I was exactly correct, except for that part about a better life. It turns out that staring at numbers is only ninth place on the list of Top Ten Things that Make You Feel Fulfilled, just below the smell of permanent markers.
Another big opportunity that bitcoin provides is the chance to get scammed. This isn’t always pleasant, but it’s an important rite of passage for any true bitcoiner. If you haven’t been scammed yet, and you think you’re a bitcoiner, I’m sorry to say, but You’re Doing it Wrong™. In this case, I recommend that you just spread your bitcoin out on a few more exchanges, and sit back and wait for another major hack announcement. That shouldn’t take too long.
If you’re not a bitcoiner yet, then I have bad news for you. Today, a seed has been planted in your mind (hopefully not literally). When it matures, you will come to a hard fork in the road. If I may offer a piece of advice: Do not become a victim of Logic and Reason. Choose the moon. Choose bitcoin.